When I Return
by LadyAlena1008
Summary: The hunt for the man behind Johanna Beckett's murder has deadly consequences, and forces Beckett to make a decision. How will it affect her relationship with Castle? Supposed to be posted prior to the finale but somehow upload failed


**_I know, I know. I have no business writing another story when I haven't updated "Research". I have been so busy with finals for school that the moments I get to think about that one are few and far between. (I am making headway, I swear!) But this literally came to me while I was eating breakfast, and I had to get it written down. It is loosely based on some of the spoilers we have gotten for the season finale, so if you are trying to be spoiler-free, I would advise against reading. I have too many theories about the finale to even think about writing them all down, but I figured this counted as a plausible story (though with the newest spoilers this is definitely not what I think the finale will be)._**

**_Usual disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, no profit is being made. No beta, so all mistakes are my own._**

**_Warning: POSSIBLE SPOILERS. A character's death is mentioned, but not actually seen. _**

**_I hope you enjoy!_**

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><p>They had taken her badge and her gun. When she got too close to the person behind her mothers' murder, someone had given her the message to back off and it came as a blow to her career. The cover-up went all the way to the top of the force, and back to when Raglan had gotten himself into trouble nineteen years ago. Whoever it was still had a lot of very important people scared. They mistakenly thought she and her team were among them.<p>

All her removal had done was piss off the people close to her, and they continued to work to bring the bastard down. They didn't get him; something she knew they were still beating themselves up for despite her telling them what they had accomplished was beyond reproach. They did manage to find the next link in the chain; the man who had been the chief of police all those years ago. With that find, Beckett's badge and gun were returned with "sincere apologies" and a pledge of full cooperation by the office of the current police chief. She was assured that such corruption within their ranks would not be tolerated.

The problem was that it _had_ been tolerated for far too long, evidenced by the silence and the fear that was still firmly in place. It had cost her Captain's life—a man who had been like a father to her from almost the moment they met. It had almost cost the lives of her team—two men who couldn't be more like brothers to her than if they shared her DNA. And it had almost cost her Castle, the unofficial—but no less important—member of her team, her partner, her friend. But he was also so much more. Something had shifted when they went to Los Angeles, and she knew they were on the edge of some new definition of "them". Before they had a chance to look over that edge together, the universe had rushed in and yanked the rug from under their feet.

Just a few days had passed since they had acted on the information the old chief had given them, information about a warehouse that supposedly held the answers they needed. It felt like a lifetime to her, but she was reminded constantly that no, it was only a short while ago that they had walked into a situation that one of them would never walk away from. She winced at the sound of a car backfiring as she sat at a chair outside a café, dropped into the memory of that day. She could feel the panic creep up her throat as the image of Castle, lying prone on the floor, filled her mind's eye.

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><p><em>Her own voice rang in her ears as she screamed his name. The hail of bullets had stopped, but she threw caution to the wind as she raced to his side. He groaned something along the lines of 'Damn, getting shot sucks,' and she nearly collapsed with relief. When he slowly sat up, he assured her his vest had taken the bullet, something she verified as she looked him over. He had been incredibly lucky; without the vest, they wouldn't be having this conversation. She held his hand in a vice-like grip, and used it to pull him towards her. Careful not to hurt him, she put her arms around his neck and blinked through the stinging in her eyes. "You scared the hell out of me. Don't ever do that again." She felt his arms circle around her, and they stayed still for a few moments.<em>

_Ryan and Esposito rushed up, having ensured that all the other shooters were either dead or secured. They and Beckett helped Castle to a standing position, steadying him as he winced. "I would hug you, but Beckett beat me to it," Ryan joked. The four of them laughed quietly._

_"Glad you're okay, bro." Esposito nodded at the bullet caught in the vest in the middle of his right ribcage._

_"I'm lucky I wasn't any closer. God this hurts."_

_"Eh, you get used to it," Ryan said._

_"You guys okay?" Beckett asked._

_"Esposito took a shot to the arm I think."_

_"What?" Beckett asked, worried._

_"It was a scratch." Esposito shrugged it off as Beckett inspected the wound. The blood flow had stopped, but it had soaked the shirtsleeve. It wasn't serious, but she would make sure he had it checked out. "Call it even, how's your knee?"_

_Ryan looked down to his torn, discolored pant leg. "It'll heal. It's easier to fix than a hole in my head." He looked at Esposito steadily. He opened his mouth again, but Esposito cut him off. _

_"Don't mention it." He and Ryan nodded at each other, communicating silently but still speaking volumes._

_"Beckett you're bleeding." Castle's alarmed comment caused the other two men to turn to her sharply. Beckett hadn't though anything of the sensation she felt on her forehead, but when she gingerly touched a bump above her left eye, her fingers came away with some blood. She could feel a drop making its way down her temple._

_"Yeah, I think I hit my head diving behind those crates." Castle reached out and gently wiped away the drop near her eye. His thumb lingered on her cheek for a few moments. When their gazes met, she saw an indescribable emotion in his eyes that she was almost certain she was reflecting right back at him. "I'm going to call the Captain, let him know we're secure." Castle nodded, not dropping his hand right away but instead stroking her cheek gently as he appeared to debate saying something. Like Ryan and Esposito though, they knew words weren't needed._

_Montgomery had covered the outside of the building with some other uniforms, and Beckett had vaguely registered shots coming from outside shortly after they had entered. She hit a speed dial number on her phone and waited. The phone picked up on the third ring._

_"Detective Beckett?" What sounded like a young man's voice greeted her ears instead of the Captain's deeper tone._

_"Who is this?" she demanded._

_"This is Officer Jeff Raines, ma'am."_

_"Officer Raines, why do you have Captain Montgomery's phone?" she asked more gently. Something about the tone and shakiness of his voice told her she wasn't going to like his answer._

_"I think—" He paused. "Detective, I think you need to come outside." His voice had become very thick and he cleared his throat. "The Captain was shot ma'am. He didn't make it."_

_A shock ran through her at his words and she turned numbly to face the three men who had been standing at rigid attention since she had questioned the identity of the person on the other end of the line. As she looked at each of them in turn, she knew the grief on her face told them everything. They could do nothing but stare at each other, before turning as one to stare at the door that suddenly seemed miles away. They fell in step as they moved their heavy limbs towards a scene they knew no training could prepare them for._

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><p>"Kate?" Her reverie was broken as Castle spoke her name. His voice was gentle as it washed over her, bringing a relief from the torment of her memories. He placed a cup of coffee in front of her before seating himself and watching her carefully. She met his concerned eyes and attempted a smile to reassure him. She knew it was weak, for it did nothing to ease the tense set of his jaw.<p>

"Thank you," she raised her coffee cup to him in salute before taking a long sip of the hot liquid. She didn't have to fake a smile at the familiarity of the situation—him bringing her coffee and sitting there staring as she drank it. It was like he waited each time to make sure she liked it, even though he took special care to bring her favorite every morning. He recognized the real smile, and gave a small one of his own in return as he settled slightly.

It struck Beckett then that they read each other so well; he knew when she was forcing a veneer onto her face for the rest of the world and when her walls dropped. She could see in the lines of his body when he was forcing relaxation while hiding his vulnerability.

"I'm going to take the time off that the force offered me. I have so much built up that I can call it an indefinite leave of absence." The admission made her feel shaky; the job was her life, and she didn't know how to not be a cop. As she looked into the eyes of the man across from her, she didn't see surprise and for that she was thankful. He had guessed what she would do, maybe before even she knew she planned to do it. The uncertainty in the beautiful blue irises caused her to tilt her head and raise a questioning eyebrow.

"Are we okay?" he asked.

She smiled gently. "Yeah, Castle. We're okay. Unless you think we aren't?"

"We've been through a lot this year, and I think we've gotten past the somewhat rocky start," the corner of his mouth quirked in a smile that she reflected back at him. He suddenly became serious again. "I think we're closer than we've ever been. But now—now, you're leaving and I just don't know where we stand."

Beckett looked down at her hands, a slight frown creasing her forehead. "That makes two of us," she said quietly.

A loaded silence followed, broken after several long moments by Castle. "I would be willing to dive in if I knew you were going to be right there with me."

She started as her own words were echoed back to her. She turned wide eyes to Castle's sincere—and quietly hopeful—face. It was what she wanted, wasn't it? To dive in together with someone who was there for her; who let her be there for him. That person was sitting right in front of her, with her as he always had been. As she looked at him she felt the inexplicable pull that swirled with so many emotions, and knew the answer.

But her world was upside-down and it wasn't fair to start anything when she couldn't pull herself together just yet. "Castle I—" she looked away and clenched her jaw as she searched for the words. Bracing her elbows on the table, she reached both hands out for his. He took them tentatively, his face telling her he was bracing for the worst. She gripped his hands until he met her eyes.

"So would I."

He was clearly taken aback by her words and he blinked at her for a few seconds as his brain caught up. A slow smile worked its way onto his face. He tilted his head and regarded her thoughtfully. "There's a 'but' coming here."

Her soft laugh surprised her; yeah, he knew her well. "There is. But it's not what you think. This mess is just so much to deal with right now. I need to figure out if I can really keep doing this, and not lose a part of myself along the way. I don't want my mother's case to become a personal vendetta."

"Because she wouldn't have wanted that." Castle observed.

"Exactly." She took a breath. "I am so deep into it sometimes I feel like I won't make it back out. I can't commit to this—to whatever we are—until I get my head on straight; it wouldn't be fair." Castle looked as if he was ready to protest, but she gave him a look that kept him quiet. "Believe me: it's not that I don't want you with me. I actually can't imagine my life without you around anymore. I want us to figure things out together. But first I need to do this on my own, so I can feel like I'm on solid ground."

"I understand. Doesn't mean I like it; but I do know what you mean." His understanding was rewarded by a small smile. He squeezed her hands before standing and disposing of their empty cups, since he knew she was going to be meeting her dad soon. He followed her off the patio and out onto the sidewalk. They walked quietly beside one another for a few moments, shoulders and elbows almost in constant contact as they did. "Where will you go?"

"I'm not sure yet. Somewhere out of the city, I might see if my dad wants to go anywhere special. I want to spend time with him."

They had reached the point where they would have to go their separate ways. "I'm sure he will like that. You are always welcome to stay at the house in the Hamptons," Castle offered.

"Thank you," Beckett said, smiling. "Does a debriefing come with it?" She smirked when the implications of her comment registered on Castle's face.

He made a great show of considering the idea. "Now there's a thought. It would be a rather lengthy debriefing—I mean the place is huge." His eyes practically glowed with mischief, while Beckett rolled hers in response.

"Then maybe we'll just have to save it for when I come back." The look in her eyes was almost tentative as she delivered what she hoped he knew to be an apology. She wasn't ready right now, but she would be.

"Fair enough. It gives me more time to prepare," Castle accepted it with a suggestive look at her. They both laughed softly and Beckett tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Oh, and Kate?" She looked up. "When you do it will still be great."

She bit her lower lip and stepped into his personal space with a hand on his elbow and her mouth at his ear. "Oh, Rick. You _still_ have no idea." The sexy smirk she gave him as she stepped away couldn't quite cover the moisture pooling in her eyes, but she no longer looked so lost.

Castle caught her hand and pulled her back. Before she could react he had wrapped her in a hug, holding her tightly to him and disregarding the bruising on his ribs. To his pleasant surprise, she hugged him back fiercely and with no hesitation. "Take care of yourself, Kate." He paused, suddenly uncertain. "Do you really think you'll come back?"

"Always," she said certainly, holding him a little tighter. She hesitated as well, before asking, "Will you still be here when I do?"

"Always."

They parted slowly, reluctant to let go. This time as she walked away, Castle felt so much more than the thrill of a new challenge and fascination with her he felt when they first parted three years ago. It was true that she still fascinated him and challenged him more than any woman he had met, and he knew the road ahead wouldn't be an easy one. But they would meet it all head-on. Because now as she turned to him one last time and their eyes met, he could feel it: Respect. Friendship. Trust. A four letter word that was waiting for its initiation into their vocabulary.

And a promise. She would come back when she was ready. He would be there when she did. They would start a new chapter side-by-side, one step at a time.

Together.

_Always._

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><p><strong><em>Well, there it is! Kinda short, a little sweet. Something a bit more hopeful for a season ender than I think we are going to see. I know it is a little cliché to have Beckett leaving to "figure herself out" and that some people don't like that, but I think it is a reasonable response for her. She wouldn't walk away for good; I don't think it's possible for her to just leave. But after facing so much, I think it might be a little hard for her to continue to face the place that has caused so much of her pain. Let me know what your opinions are, I love hearing what other people think! And yes, reviews are appreciated!<em>**


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